How to Make Sure the Family Plays by Your Rules (original article by Kathy Mangold -- on behalf of the Vistelar Group)

My friend Mary just got a bit of unpleasant news: Her boorish brother-in-law, Jack, is coming later this month for a holiday stay. 

Jack's presence makes everyone in the house uncomfortable. He can turn from friendly to overbearing in an instant. Even the dog cowers under the table when he's around. 

Mary's husband doesn't want to create waves within the family, and is reluctant to say anything that might further disturb the peace. 

So Mary, a gracious host, has patiently tolerated Jack's behavior for years. But she's concerned with the way this behavior affects her kids -- it's her home, after all -- and has decided that now is the time to take a stand. 

Mary's situation is a perfect example of how the Verbal Defense & Influence methodology, which some people associate with workplace issues, can apply to the thorny issues that snarl up our personal lives. 

Two important concepts come to mind, and they're deeply connected. First is the idea of a social contract, the "house rules" that people are (or, in some cases, aren't) held to. 

Verbal Defense & Influence Consultant Joel Lashley talks about the social contracts that exist in various settings, how people behave, hold one another accountable and what happens when behavior reaches the point of unacceptability. (To view a short video by Joel, click here.) 

In Mary's case, it is up to her to review the social contract that's been in place up to now: What house rules need to be strengthened? What behaviors cannot be tolerated? She must have her new social contract in place, one that she is able to articulate with confidence, by the time Jack arrives. 

She must also be vigilant for warning signs and confident in her ability to speak up at the first sign of obnoxious behavior. But that brings up two fundamental questions: What to say, and how to say it. 

That's where Jill Weisensel's bystander mobilization concepts are invaluable. 

Possessing a bank of premade, pre-practiced, phrases is useful to engage others and also to deflect verbal abuse. So I shared a couple of Jill's engagement phrases with Mary: 

"You know that's not OK." 
"Could you clarify what you just said, I'm not sure I understood that correctly?" 
"I didn't expect that from you." 
"Could you please choose another word?"

Mary and Jack might never see eye to eye, but she doesn't have to approach this visit with dread. She has the tools to make things better.